Shame on you

Invisible rules, unspoken. You know them. And if you don’t, you may be pulled to the side by the wise leader of the tribe because they’ll correct you. Chuckle. We have too many who think they’re hip.

Why is she tanning in winter? Is she trying to get a man at her age still? Her hair is getting so long. So out of date. I have heard this one from my mom and people at work. It goes with she’s too old to have long hair—over 40—darn rules.

The over 40 men with the flash of a car and smile—well, we know he’s on the prowl. Watch out, girls. Tsk tsk. If he was 38, he could get by with it, I’m sure.

Is it advice or shame? Be careful of the council you take.

DEFINE

According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It’s an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world.Feb 17, 2016

How to Listen to Pain – Greater Good Science Center

Some cultures, religious or pagan, use a system of shunning. They will never look at you, talk to you, or in any way acknowledge your existence. I’ve had people attempt to dismiss me, cold shoulder me, which is an attempt to gain control. In my opinion, it’s abuse.

Shunning often involves implicit or explicit shame for a member who commits acts seen as wrong by the group or its leadership.

Shunning

These forbidden activities, taboo behaviors are from a period when we needed shame-based boundaries. We needed the community to survive. Love, with its short-lived blush, planted you into a family and gave you a home. Over the years, you and your family became one. We still want to belong.

When slapped with shame, I feel angry. There’s a tinge of rejection. I want to fight and cry out, Unfair. I hurt, and like any creature, I long for safety. We must find our center. Do you have someone or something to cling to, even if it is a poem?

My one thing was the sunrise. Could you read about it here? Touchstones and Totems

Fighting

I struggle with “I am worthy of asking for help”
I struggle with “I am loved enough”
I struggle with “I can have the ability to do - the power - the authority even”
Am I enough?

I want to promote myself
I want to set boundaries - and not to back down
I want to accept all of me.

Yet, that includes my struggles and tears, and body pain.
- janetkwest.com

Emotional healing

My forest has dark shadows.

My parents make bizarre statements, “But I thought your headaches would be gone by now.” And I feel as if I have failed. So I start to explain the process of migraines and how treatments work. And the difference between the cervical spine issue. I’ve been stuck in a perpetual defense for long enough.

Exhaustion.

Next time I talk to them, I want to hear the words and not react. I don’t want to answer or explain. It’s about paying attention to my emotions. My parent’s words are not important. I have to separate the two. This is how I heal.

Turn on a light.

By naming the emotion I can plot its place on my map. Label the bastard. Nail it. When it becomes recognizable then I can see it clearly. Read The Jungle of My Emotions to understand more.

More to read –

Softness

We want to come back to the group, remember the warmth and laughter, but some of us never belonged. We didn’t know the feeling of loving arms nor the joy of being welcomed. The lack of love bleeds into our present life, making it difficult to find peace, to accept everyone around us.

We see our life as a struggle. It’s all we know. Hardship is proof that we matter. But we tire of the game.

A Little Old & A Little New

It has taken me years to learn, to heal. I have gone to therapy and read books. Each has been a step for recovery. You don’t see why you need help except that your life isn’t working. There is pain. Then, amazingly your vision clears as you learn.

I believe in learning. If you can be brave, you can heal. Only you can decide your best practices.

Scary Things in the Night

At 13 we watched a Bigfoot video.

Outside was dark, country dark, and I was accustomed to living inside of the Collinsville city limits. It wasn’t big city life, but at least we had street lights, and I was having a hard time sleeping. Sasquatch. In the 1970’s it was a phenomenon. It frightened me.

It didn’t help when Dad and his friends joked about their close calls while out hunting-running away from loud sounds, getting their jeans caught on the barbed fences. You’d almost think they got a kick out of scaring me.

The bigfoot video I’ve included below is good. Although I probably wouldn’t have knocked down the timber X. The producer traveled to an area in the Ozarks near the Current River in Missouri in the video. He said he received a message from David, the landowner, explaining the activity that had taken place and asked if he was interested. A few days later, he was on the way to Reynolds County. The video is below.

But is it real?

I’m neither a skeptic nor naïve. I enjoy the questions, the search. A few years ago, I know there was the dude who falsely made videos and had dressed up in a bear suit. It makes a bad name for things not understood. But there are people whose want for money is more important than their desire for pleasure or inquiry. This may always be.

Here, in Oklahoma we have a Bounty On Bigfoot’s Head of 2.1 million dollars. I didn’t stutter. But don’t forget your permit. It’s tourist season.

There are people whose want for money is more important than their desire for pleasure or inquiry. Be curious.

Urgency, The Weakness of Leadership

Before my recent surgery, I had a hilarious incident with a nurse telling me the RIGHT way. I should use the rigid collar after surgery and take only that one into the surgery. She was abrupt in a way to let me know there was no argument over this. No purse, no shoes, not a damn thing else would go with me other than the rigid collar. She grabbed the item, tossing it onto the bed, and let my boyfriend know that he would be responsible for all of the other things.

The nurse’s instructions were different from my doctor’s instructions before my hospital visit. My doctor had instructed me that I was to use the foam collar. The rigid collar was only for the car ride home. I mentioned this to her, but she was insistent. When the doctor was in for his visit, he changed the whole of it all back. The soft collar came out, and the stiff collar was stuffed back into the plastic bag. I trusted the doc’s judgment because he was to be in the operating room and knew what I would need after it was over. He also had a history with me.

I’ve experienced this over and over recently. The pharmacy updated my doctor’s prescriptions without permission. I’ve had doctors change reliable medications, canceling some which I had previously used so they could replace them with a brand of their choice. I picture this as a male lion killing off the children of the former males to ensure they are the top sire.

I have been at least a week without access to a needed prescription due to pharmaceutical restrictions and the narrow sightedness of the healthcare system. One doctor was in surgery all week, and another didn’t have legal access to prescribe.

Leaders may not realize it at first—and some start with charitable intentions, but the game changes over time.

Two things-1. Leaders believe they know the right way, so they need to show everyone else. 2. It’s easier for the person in charge to decide how it needs to be done and dogmatically enforce it.

I’ve had the feeling for a while that most—I do mean only most and not all—wish to silence the masses. Big groups have opinions, and it’s such a freakin’ hassle sometimes to try to explain the WHY of your decisions, then you should take polls asking what that LARGE GROUP wants. Exhausting.

I have watched businesses with big plans and high ideals start by saying they had an open-door policy with nonjudgemental discussion, and management was always available for the employees. A former job of mine was like this. When it was small, you could speak your piece without reprisals. They wanted your opinions. Later, as the company’s debt grew and the structure changed, they held everything you ever said against you. It didn’t make a hill of beans if you were valuable or if you got your work done. You started feeling the cold shoulder of isolation.

That’s my thinking. What’s yours?

Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear.

Harry S. Truman, Special Message to the Congress on the Internal Security of the United States [August 8, 1950]

Whenever someone listens to me, at least tries, I like to acknowledge it.

Tacos, Love, and Parenting Yourself

My parents didn’t realize the importance of teaching me, a daughter, to care for myself. They taught me to be kind, thoughtful, and take care of others. My parents and I came from separate sources. It seemed to me as if we were as different as salt water and fresh water.

As society changed for my parent’s generation, they were still swimming in their saltwater tank. From the viewpoint of my culture, saltwater can kill you. Structure. Rules. Binding contracts.

I’ve learned to celebrate discovering my needs, all of them–for comfort, happiness, and safety. It started when I was feeling abandoned. I needed to GIVE and GATHER for myself–not wait and allow resentment to build when another doesn’t come through for me. Being polite wasn’t helpful anymore.

Caring for yourself

Once I was hanging out with a guy at his friend’s house, (boring) which was to be a short visit. After an hour, I NEEDED to eat. I took some initiative and told him I’d be back in a few minutes. I was going to grab a bite to eat (tacos.) It upset him, surprising him a little, but my needs were dire. Blood sugar issues are more important than a man’s ego. Quite honestly, I realize now that I was having a panic attack. But this taco moment is when I realized I had power.

Keep your power. Reclaim any scraps you find along the way–any.

Song Lyrics

Every breath I take has been taken before 
Every note’s been sung…… 
Who can I sing them all again for? Baba, Baba Baba…. 
Please don’t give up - please don’t lose that sound 
So many people fought to gain that ground 
Please don’t give up – please don’t hide your voice 
So many people did not have that choice. - Bellow/Unzip The Horizon, lyrics from a song released on April 7, 2018, Moira Smiley 

Your Rules

We have algorithms by which we live our lives. Previously, I lived from a list that included too many freakin’ I shouldn’t and Don’ts.

I shouldn't talk about myself. It's bragging. - Thanks, bro!
Don't ask for things. If you're at someone's place, never take sustenance. Never impose. - Thanks, Mom!
I'm too slow. Too much. Not enough. Well, no matter what I do, it won't be right. - Thanks, society!

My old rules have worn me out. I’m needing something new.

I do things because I like them. I eat when I'm hungry and sleep when I'm tired. I ask for what I need.

When your habits aren’t working for you, it may be time to change your ways. Make new rules.

Want to read more?

Living Today – After Pain

I hurt for years. It was bad. The pain enveloped me, which made it impossible for my senses to find clear guidance. I don’t want to go through it again, nor anyone else. For the love of God, let it stop with me. The rolling tide of generational abuse doesn’t need to continue. People pleasing, bowing to bullies, and narcissistic abuse should not be normal everyday life. But it was my life.

I never knew what it meant to be “Present.”

Working with therapists on emotional healing and emotional literacy to recognize my pain has helped me see more panorama.

A child recites her alphabet. She sounds out the letters, combining them, and struggling to form words. When the connection happens inside the child’s mind, it resembles magic, but it’s not. With enough stimulation and fuel, one begins creating words. They will comprehend. Looking back at the alphabet, I don’t grasp why reciting the ABC’s helped me become a proficient reader. I know that it works, and I know that I practiced until I learned. It’s training in the most basic form.

I couldn’t understand the purpose of therapy even though I knew it would be helpful.

Becoming a healthy person takes a process. Some of the stuff I have in me may never completely heal, and I need to live with the limitations of who I am. Overall, I have made significant progress. So can you. Commit to doing the work and learn how to live.

I live now. If I become angry because a coworker says a thing, I’m offended now. I have worked on my emotional literacy and I can respond to the anger itself.

You need tools

What is Emotional Literacy? It’s the ability to identify the feelings you are experiencing. Most people are shallow in noticing our feelings. Feeling scared is different than me knowing I’m terrified and panicked. Name your emotion.

#Trauma: I evaluate the emotion. Is my flashback from an older, emotionally charged time? My childhood was angry. (This is part of the emotional literacy.)

#Emotion: If it is new and not something with a deep root, I handle it differently. Current emotions deserve a valid response also. We have rights as humans and must care about ourselves.

The first step to developing empathy is emotional literacy, or the ability to read or recognize your own emotions and the emotions of others so that you can figure out what they are feeling.

Children and Empathy: Teaching Emotional Literary

Excerpt from The Jungle of My Emotions – “This rage is my jungle. I should know my way through it by now, but I don’t. A therapist will tell you to name the emotions. Instead of rage, get down to the baser emotions. Fear. Insecurity. Feeling utterly alone and vulnerable. When I was negotiating, I was taking it personally. She was attacking me and saying I was wrong. Backed into a corner, I felt powerless. So, I defended my territory.”

Related Content

​Healing Your Space

Space, we call it a thing. Star Trek started its program with the words, Space, the final frontier. Conquerors of times before claimed lands, they planted homes and flags saying this area belonged to them, and they now owned it.

Personal

Disclaimer: this article was written pre-COVID-19

Personal space isn’t so easily defined. Do you run and hug a new coworker? Is a handshake necessary? When talking with someone do you leave a two feet distance? What about crowded places, are you in their space? Every culture has their own comfort level. And within each culture there are variations. Children and parents can hug and snuggle without discomfort, but you wouldn’t walk up to a stranger and act the same way. Not unless you wanted to be punched. For etiquette read- >Don’t Stand Too Close.

Some days boundaries are natural. Put up a fence. Close the door. Hide in a closet. I can do these things. The one thing I have trouble with is an emotional cut-off. How do you close the door without hurting people? Clearing your emotional space is as important as cleaning your room. Sometimes they go hand in hand.

Emotional and Mental

If you were raised by controlling parents, emotional and personal space is probably an issue for you. I didn’t have the right to my own religion. Barely had the right to my choice of clothing. There was no arguing about politics or doctrine. In my state this is normal. Strict parenting meant good wholesome children. Spare the rod and spoil the child.

But when a child has no right to privacy, or they are threatened for having an opinion that is different, a line is crossed. I call foul. Emotional space is every bit as important as physical. Don’t let anyone take your life – space.

There’s a lot of information about boundaries. Here are a few links.

Getting Space in a Relationship

The Emotional Space Theory

BOOK – Codependent No More – Melody Beattie

The above blog post was originally posted in the winter of 2017, but became corrupted. Reinstated today, October 11, 2020.